How would you like... You two! Here we go.
Thank you, madam, you're most encouraging, and you.
Here we go, to the centre, to the centre.
This is called encouragement.
Ladies and gentlemen, before we start,
Rob's gonna do one of his brilliant impressions
from his list of 25,000 impressions.
This is the only one that he can do with any margin of realism.
And he's gonna do his impression.
Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from over there,
his impression of the international marathon runner!
Now, you've seen him on the television. Everybody's doing marathons these days.
They all get out there and think they can run a marathon.
And here's the idiot at the distance
only for one mile.
He's keen, he's healthy, he's waving to the cameras.
Thank you. And every other international joggist
marathon runner at the huge elongated distance
of 13 miles.
- There's a big problem!
His legs begin to go. Need an ice-cream, Rob?
- Ice-cream. There we go.
- Oh, well, sorry about that.
I'll buy you another one. And then he reaches 20 miles!
And at 20 miles, he reaches the psychological wall. Here it is!
That was a psychological wall. Different tack today.
And finally, 25th mile, 381 yards!
His legs have gone!
His brain has exploded.
He's having a coronary.
But he reaches the tape, wins first prize!
Mars Bar!
Eats it and throws up all over the front row!
Yes, we're gonna kill this kid over here!
Okay, son, what... No, it's a joke, it's a joke.
Ladies and gentlemen!
- My partner and I... - My partner and I...
- Good buddies that we are... - Good buddies that we are...
Are now going, for your entertainment...
For your entertainment!
- To kill each other! - To kill each other!
You, sir, are a cad!
And you, sir! You, sir, are a pig!
- You cad! - You pig!
- I challenge you to a duel! - And I challenge you to a duel!
Before we start, we must make a serious announcement. Please listen.
Serious announcement! Please do listen!
- While we're using the swords... - While we're using the swords...
- Please do not pick up your children. - Pick up your children...
And throw them into the middle of the fight.
Because if you do, they'll end up as kebabs.
Okay? So please do stay behind the blue line.
En garde!
Hey!
Ola!
Ow!
This is called drama.
Jesus Christ!
Why don't you relax, mate? It's only a sword fight.
You hit my ear, mate.
If I die at this, please give me lots of money.
It's not that funny really, actually.
Oh, God!
Yes, the ear!
Don't pull my ear off!
Aha!
Ah-ha!
- Aha! - Ah-ha-ha!
- Can I have one of those? - No!
- I mean... - Come on, run, you fat!
- Come on! - Hold it!
- Just start again. - Start again?
Okay. It's all right. Don't think they've noticed.
- Eduardo! - Yes!
En garde!
- Ola! - Hey!
Hey!
Has anyone got any ideas?
Look, there's a 10 pence piece!
- Where? - On the floor!
One bum kick to me.
Yes! Two bum kicks for me.
Right!
Yes!
Three bum kicks in a row. And now
the mad sword at the back sequence.
- Come on!
And I'm going to go through hell.
One, two! 60!
And then dragging yourself off the floor.
We come to, of course, part three!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the final conflict.
The final challenge.
It's a bit keen, isn't it, Dad?
My father, it's okay.
- Hold it.
- Are you all right? - Have a plaster on you?
Sorry.
But in case you didn't get that, we have, of course, the Sam Peckinpah,
action bloody replay.
- What? - Yes.
Oh, God!
Okay.
Rob, get off that woman.
Rob, bring that back to me.
- Oh, sorry. - Probably killing that woman.
Can somebody just pull on the end of this? And...
Forget about that. Don't worry.
Hold on...
You what?
Can't have that.
Ka-boom!
Ah!
Click! Click! Boom!
I've lost a bit. I've lost a bit.
Down at the bottom. This is the bow and arrow bit.
- My arrow's stuck in the bottom. - Technical hitch.
Just bear with me. Do a tap dance.
There he goes. Brilliant moves.
Any time today, Ed.
Run, you!
Dum! The arrow!
We need to put a hat on that.
Get out the way, sir.
- Yeah!
Eugh!
Sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
before you all rush off into the distance,
like that man over there, without paying a penny...
Rob's gonna drag you back and...
Yes! It was a girl, okay. Yes!
She tried to leave without paying.
Yes. We're sorry about that.
Yes, that's the one. So, there.
Basically, ladies and gentlemen, it's five pounds from each of you.
Or the girl gets it.
That's all right.
Ladies and gentlemen, quite seriously, we're professional street entertainers.
We do this show for a living.
- So if you have enjoyed the show... - You have enjoyed the show.
- Please take your wallets. - Take your wallets.
Take out a pound coin, or a 50 pence piece...
And give us the rest!
Come forth with your donations, place them into one of two packets.
Thank you very much indeed.
Good afternoon. Thank you!
Please do come forward in your millions.
Step clean over the barrier.
Come straight forward. Don't be one of the guilty few.
Okay, thank you very much indeed.
It's 100 quid. A good start...
We do accept Barclaycard, Access, BMWs.
We accept anything. Thank you very much.
Please don't throw money 'cause children and French people run off with it.